I think there’s been a recent movement of “deep talk” or whatever is the opposite of small talk which is considered by many as a waste of time. Just my observation—but during and after the pandemic, I’ve mourned the suicides of nearly half a dozen friends, family members or acquaintances. More than I’ve known over my entire lifetime. So as a person who once merely tolerated small talk, I now see any human connection as possibly life saving.
My friend once worked at a massage school and the owner encouraged staff to leave a pebble in someone’s mailbox if you were thinking of them. She went one step further and left edible chocolate pebble rocks.
"... I now see any human connection as possibly life saving..." Agree, Carol. Since my husband died 5 months ago I've found myself to be much chattier in the supermarket, hair salon, doctor's office, etc. - anywhere I can exchange a few words with another human being.
I’m so sorry for your loss. As someone who has lived alone for most of my life, I often talk out loud to myself. If you can name a problem, you’re more than half way to solving said problem.
Thanks much for this Carol, very thoughtful -- and I strongly agree that small talk does have value. My condolences on the lost friends. I love the pebble anecdote
My daughter who is 30 years old tells me her relationships with friends have turned deeper and she encourages our conversations to go down deep as well.
I think that your missing word has a sibling, that of thinking that you have caught a glimpse of someone but remembering that it can't be them as they have died.
I wrote a poem about seeing someone at an outside table at a restaurant, and thinking that it was my brother who had died only a few months earlier.
On the far table, I see him
Backlit by the sun.
The same hair
The same sunglasses
The same profile
The same mannerisms.
My heart leaps with surprised joy
Then, like a weight of stone
I remember, He is dead.
And yet knowing that I can't help but sneak glances.
Each time I look, He lives again briefly,
My memories transforming this similar stranger into one gone but not forgotten.
And a tear, unexpected, spills down my cheek.
And the stranger leaves unaware of the turmoil in my heart.
Recently a friend told me his late mother never said “how are you?” as her standard greeting & instead said, “It’s good to see you.” I’ve been trying it and people LIGHT UP. Add a smile and what an easy way to make someone’s day.
I'm retired and leaning real heavy on 70. One thing I noticed is that I'm now part of The Old Mens Club. I've always been a talker, my whole life, and I'm not uncomfortable making eye contact with complete strangers and I always smile at others. But now other members of this club spot me, when I'm out and always seem to say something. I stop, and 20 minutes later I'm back on my way. I love it! Told my wife about it, we went out shopping, and sure enough, I was stopped 4 times that day! My wife just shakes her head. Eye contact and a smile is all it takes, pass it on, you don't have to be old to do it.
Some days I talk (I mean chat -written word) with my family about the weather, about which fruit my father had for breakfast, about a game my ant is playing (we keep track of wordle results), or exchange some meme and that is good enough for me as a "thinking about you" feeling, and it is small talk nevertheless. I think I do not think bad about small talk, I feel it kind of a connection too. (Sorry for my English, I can read and listen, but not so good in writing!)
Earbuds are really dragging the personal interaction game down. I'm noticing such an increase in earbud usage in customer forward jobs, in the past week, a host and a runner at a local pizza joint, and cashier at grocery store were all tuned into their own ears. I see so many people walking around, going about their business with headphones on. I like to chat with people, but how awkward to initiate conversation with someone I don't know for them to pull out their earbud so I can repeat "I said your boots are amazing."
it seems pod-person-ish (air-pod-person is just too obvious) when you see so many people with the little white things in, but i think having to hear the looping music played in most stores (especially chains) would drive me nuts if i worked there, so that usage, at least, i understand. i once worked for a year or so in a small cafe where i could play my own music, and i would listen to a real wide variety of albums since i had six hours a day to fill, & it started a pretty god number of conversations. (i also noticed that playing billy joel seemed to double my tips from middle-aged guys.) so if i were a representative of customer-forward position-holders, i would call for the end of repetitive music loops in return for taking out the pods. no song twice in one week! i think osha should consider adopting that as a rule, considering the cia will actually torture people by looping songs. i think it causes significant mind damage.
This is making me realize a side effect of Shazam is that I have fewer "what is this song?" mini conversations with baristas and bartenders. I should work on that.
Not sure what to say about Billy Joel tips but I am fascinated!
Having a cute, friendly dog makes it almost impossible for me not to exchange at least a few words with strangers every day and it is one the best parts of being a dog mom. Sometimes I do feel that I have awkward small talk with other dog owners and I always wonder how to make that small talk better, but other times I have fun dog conversations. I very often have exchanges with non-dog owners because my dog likes going up to random people and greeting them. :)
Interesting you’re not keen on “flâneur”. I’ve always liked it. It’s imperfect, sure, bit dated, bit gendered and carries a whiff of privilege, but I'd struggle to find another word that comes close. Maybe it just needs evolving rather than discarding?
We need a word for that feeling you get when you realize there is a missing word in your native language, and maybe another one for when you realize the Germans have it already but you don't really pronounce it properly.
Meanwhile, one of the words we need, IMO, is for the phenomena of a problem growing faster and faster while the solutions are sort of static in their ability to address that problem. The disparity itself, and then maybe some sort of set of descriptors for how fast that disparity is growing.
We couldn’t be happier to welcome El arte de ver lo que te rodea to our catalogue ✨
It’s been a true pleasure to work on the Spanish edition of The Art of Noticing, a book that continues to inspire new ways of looking, paying attention, and engaging with the everyday.
Thank you, Rob, for your trust. We’re especially glad you love the design!
I think there’s been a recent movement of “deep talk” or whatever is the opposite of small talk which is considered by many as a waste of time. Just my observation—but during and after the pandemic, I’ve mourned the suicides of nearly half a dozen friends, family members or acquaintances. More than I’ve known over my entire lifetime. So as a person who once merely tolerated small talk, I now see any human connection as possibly life saving.
My friend once worked at a massage school and the owner encouraged staff to leave a pebble in someone’s mailbox if you were thinking of them. She went one step further and left edible chocolate pebble rocks.
"... I now see any human connection as possibly life saving..." Agree, Carol. Since my husband died 5 months ago I've found myself to be much chattier in the supermarket, hair salon, doctor's office, etc. - anywhere I can exchange a few words with another human being.
My sincere condolences, Laurie. Thank you for this, and I agree about the value of those exchanges with others
I’m so sorry for your loss. As someone who has lived alone for most of my life, I often talk out loud to myself. If you can name a problem, you’re more than half way to solving said problem.
Carol, I have to admit that I do talk to myself out loud occasionally. HA!
It’s a sign of high intelligence. Our gut/subconscious/the universe know all the answers. Keep talking. Keep asking questions.
Thanks much for this Carol, very thoughtful -- and I strongly agree that small talk does have value. My condolences on the lost friends. I love the pebble anecdote
If you’ve never tried the chocolate pebbles, I highly recommend. They also come as beach stones. All delicious.
My daughter who is 30 years old tells me her relationships with friends have turned deeper and she encourages our conversations to go down deep as well.
¡Ohhhh! El arte de ver lo que te rodea in Spanish. Great news! I´m going to buy it. ¡Estupendas noticias! Congratulations, Rob.
I think that your missing word has a sibling, that of thinking that you have caught a glimpse of someone but remembering that it can't be them as they have died.
I wrote a poem about seeing someone at an outside table at a restaurant, and thinking that it was my brother who had died only a few months earlier.
On the far table, I see him
Backlit by the sun.
The same hair
The same sunglasses
The same profile
The same mannerisms.
My heart leaps with surprised joy
Then, like a weight of stone
I remember, He is dead.
And yet knowing that I can't help but sneak glances.
Each time I look, He lives again briefly,
My memories transforming this similar stranger into one gone but not forgotten.
And a tear, unexpected, spills down my cheek.
And the stranger leaves unaware of the turmoil in my heart.
Thank you for this Melissa
I love this poem so much! I’m sobbing.
Recently a friend told me his late mother never said “how are you?” as her standard greeting & instead said, “It’s good to see you.” I’ve been trying it and people LIGHT UP. Add a smile and what an easy way to make someone’s day.
For me, the Missing Word could be grieffade. Or maybe griefease.
I'm retired and leaning real heavy on 70. One thing I noticed is that I'm now part of The Old Mens Club. I've always been a talker, my whole life, and I'm not uncomfortable making eye contact with complete strangers and I always smile at others. But now other members of this club spot me, when I'm out and always seem to say something. I stop, and 20 minutes later I'm back on my way. I love it! Told my wife about it, we went out shopping, and sure enough, I was stopped 4 times that day! My wife just shakes her head. Eye contact and a smile is all it takes, pass it on, you don't have to be old to do it.
Some days I talk (I mean chat -written word) with my family about the weather, about which fruit my father had for breakfast, about a game my ant is playing (we keep track of wordle results), or exchange some meme and that is good enough for me as a "thinking about you" feeling, and it is small talk nevertheless. I think I do not think bad about small talk, I feel it kind of a connection too. (Sorry for my English, I can read and listen, but not so good in writing!)
Your writing is perfect. Your heart is perfect too!
Thank you Natalia, and I agree with Carol :)
Earbuds are really dragging the personal interaction game down. I'm noticing such an increase in earbud usage in customer forward jobs, in the past week, a host and a runner at a local pizza joint, and cashier at grocery store were all tuned into their own ears. I see so many people walking around, going about their business with headphones on. I like to chat with people, but how awkward to initiate conversation with someone I don't know for them to pull out their earbud so I can repeat "I said your boots are amazing."
This is a very good point. (And the example made me LOL)
it seems pod-person-ish (air-pod-person is just too obvious) when you see so many people with the little white things in, but i think having to hear the looping music played in most stores (especially chains) would drive me nuts if i worked there, so that usage, at least, i understand. i once worked for a year or so in a small cafe where i could play my own music, and i would listen to a real wide variety of albums since i had six hours a day to fill, & it started a pretty god number of conversations. (i also noticed that playing billy joel seemed to double my tips from middle-aged guys.) so if i were a representative of customer-forward position-holders, i would call for the end of repetitive music loops in return for taking out the pods. no song twice in one week! i think osha should consider adopting that as a rule, considering the cia will actually torture people by looping songs. i think it causes significant mind damage.
This is making me realize a side effect of Shazam is that I have fewer "what is this song?" mini conversations with baristas and bartenders. I should work on that.
Not sure what to say about Billy Joel tips but I am fascinated!
but the word flaneur is so fun! (or is that just my not-so-inner snob surfacing?).
I think this is a tic of mine -- your reaction is normal, not snobby at all!!
Having a cute, friendly dog makes it almost impossible for me not to exchange at least a few words with strangers every day and it is one the best parts of being a dog mom. Sometimes I do feel that I have awkward small talk with other dog owners and I always wonder how to make that small talk better, but other times I have fun dog conversations. I very often have exchanges with non-dog owners because my dog likes going up to random people and greeting them. :)
When I dog sat my friend’s poodle, I chatted with everyone. Dogs are the new children of the world. Love hearing pure heart stories from dog parents.
Interesting you’re not keen on “flâneur”. I’ve always liked it. It’s imperfect, sure, bit dated, bit gendered and carries a whiff of privilege, but I'd struggle to find another word that comes close. Maybe it just needs evolving rather than discarding?
I think it's a quirk of mine -- the problem isn't the word, i t's me LOL
I paused while reading this article to text three cousins. Thx for this!
We need a word for that feeling you get when you realize there is a missing word in your native language, and maybe another one for when you realize the Germans have it already but you don't really pronounce it properly.
Meanwhile, one of the words we need, IMO, is for the phenomena of a problem growing faster and faster while the solutions are sort of static in their ability to address that problem. The disparity itself, and then maybe some sort of set of descriptors for how fast that disparity is growing.
Good ones, thank you Liz!
We couldn’t be happier to welcome El arte de ver lo que te rodea to our catalogue ✨
It’s been a true pleasure to work on the Spanish edition of The Art of Noticing, a book that continues to inspire new ways of looking, paying attention, and engaging with the everyday.
Thank you, Rob, for your trust. We’re especially glad you love the design!
¡Ya disponible en librerías y en https://menguantes.com/tienda/libros/todos/el-arte-de-ver-lo-que-te-rodea :)
I'm so excited!