Questioning Questions
TAoN No. 184: On icebreaking — including two new Icebreakers! And more.
Today, a slightly impromptu look at one of this newsletter’s long-running subjects: the icebreaker.
For years, TAoN has published a new, usually reader-submitted Icebreaker every few weeks. Recently The New York Times’ The Morning newsletter mentioned TAoN’s Icebreakers Google doc, collecting them. This resulted in a bunch of new subscriptions here. Welcome to all!
A quick aside to all you newcomers: Last February I posted a list of some of my favorite reader-submitted icebreakers.
As I noted then: While I call these “icebreakers,” many of them are obviously not actually good questions to spring on someone you’ve just met. Some of my favorites might come across a little … weird. But each can work in certain contexts. (And not just conversation: Many would be good writing or drawing prompts.) “Icebreaker” is just shorthand; use your judgment! As I always say:
Noticing is about other people, too. The Icebreaker series aims to help with that.
Nevertheless, some people dislike the whole idea of the icebreaker — “that most reviled form of corporate get-to-know-you activity,” as Melissa Kirsch puts it in that Times newsletter.
This comment reminded me of something I read in The Wall Street Journal a couple of years ago about “oddball questions” in job interviews. Research suggests these may not be a great idea: such questions were judged “likable” by applicants, but not “useful.”
I assume what’s going on there is a feeling of disconnect between question and circumstance — it can feel like your answer doesn’t truly matter to the task and context at hand. Which, more to the point, suggests nobody is really listening to the answer. And even the most clever icebreaker won’t yield much when it doesn’t reflect genuine interest — which betrays the whole icebreaker premise.
As Kirsch writes:
“Outside of a corporate framework, icebreakers are just manifestations of curiosity.”
Exactly! (And of course they can be manifestations of curiosity within a corporate framework — they just frequently aren’t.)
But there’s one more element of the icebreakers I collect: ideally, they tend spark some degree of fresh introspection. That is, they’re not just for learning about other people; they can help you be curious about yourself. (This is what can make them good writing prompts.)
There were a bunch of example “oddball questions” in that WSJ article, and it’s interesting to parse which ones resonate. This one struck me as pretty good:
What was the last costume you wore?
That’s fun to talk about, listen about, or just think about. (I’m tempted to share a pic from Mardi Gras but E would not be happy.)
Big thanks to Melissa Kirsch at The Times for prompting me to think about all this.
This week, borrow a question from the Icebreaker list, ask someone — and really listen to the response. Or ask yourself, and do something interesting with your answer!
THE NEXT FREE EDITION IN TWO WEEKS
Noticing is about other people, too. The Icebreaker series aims to help with that. There’s a central collection spot for all the icebreakers to date, here.
I thought maybe that costume question above could be today’s Icebreaker, but why not have two? I got a bunch of new suggestions thanks to that Times link, and I still have a lot of good ones in the inventory. This, however, comes from me.
What music did you discover from your parents, or their record collection?
This is inspired by an NPR All Songs Considered segment that I had saved and forgotten about until writing today’s newsletter.
Please send your favorite icebreaker (whether you made it up or found it elsewhere) to consumed@robwalker.net. If I use your icebreaker you’ll get a free three-month sub to the paid edition of TAoN (or some other fun prize if you’re already a supporter).
IN OTHER NEWS
Nonsense Poll No. 6. Latest in a (pointless) series on Bluesky.
Friend of TAoN Alison Fensterstock talks about the terrific book How Women Made Music, which she edited.
On the subject of conversation/listening, here are some common tips — and a cranky economist’s rebuttal. Love to hear your thoughts on that!
If you enjoyed last issue on David Zinn, you might also like the street art of Tom Bob, another artist who transforms the everyday.
Looking forward to seeing the documentary Secret Mall Apartment. Here’s the trailer; here’s a related 99% Invisible episode.
Chair of Virtue, a digital magazine about unusual chairs.
Very fun and impressive collage video for Corridor, via Colossal:
OKAY THAT’S IT!
As always, I value your feedback: suggestions, critiques, positive reinforcement, etc. Constructive insults may be directed at me, not at anyone else. I also welcome your tips or stories or personal noticing rituals, things we need a word for, and of course your icebreakers, at consumed@robwalker.net. Or use the comments.
—> Tell someone about TAoN! Or just click the heart symbol. That always makes my day.
And thanks for reading …
rw
RobWalker.net | NB: I use (some) Amazon Affiliate links
All this by Rob Walker PO Box 171, 748 Mehle St., Arabi LA 70032. Send me mail!
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We open our staff meetings with an agenda item labeled "Connection Before Content". Since we're almost always 100% virtual/online, this time is a deliberate choice to foster a sense of belonging. We're missing the hallway conversations and "Oh, your lunch looks great" moments that would occur spontaneously if we all worked in the same space. We commit staff meeting time to be sure we don't lose the human relationships and we recognize each other as full human beings, not just the part of us that does the work things.
One of the deepest conversations was sparked by a colleague posing this question: "How have you directly encountered the effects of climate change in your life?" He mentioned a hike with his dad not long before his father died, returning to a glacier they'd hiked to together years before only to see the gut punch of how much it had shrunk. For another it was thinking about the effects of sea level rise in choosing what town to move to and where to find a home in that town.
We had a wonderful larger meeting today with more people that opened with this question: "What's one place that you can remember walking or rolling to with a family member (parent, sibling, etc.) when you were a child?" This brought out stories of the freedom that came from riding bikes with friends (some went past the family context in the original question), getting treats from a local bakery or convenience store, the sense of adventure, hiking trails into the woods, knowing about secret places you'd never find if you were in a car, a couple of people pulling up a spot on Google Maps to show a favorite place they'd walked. It was fantastic.
Ice breakers and "fun facts" get a bad rap, but when done in the spirit of curiosity, they actually do create an opportunity for connection. I wish there were a way to rebrand the concept! (Curiosity kernels???)