Life in the Details
TAoN No. 120: Attending to specific little quirks. Plus: a new icebreaker, and more.
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An interesting article in The New Yorker the other day asked “Are You the Same Person You Used To Be?” While the piece is of course inconclusive on such a sweeping question, it comes at matters of identity over the course of a lifetime from many angles, and it’s a thought-provoking read. I recommend it.
But … as I am prone to do … I got caught up on a passing aside. “Even seemingly unimportant or trivial elements can contribute to who we are,” Joshua Rothman writes, musing about a recent family get-together that made him think about how his father’s Star Trek fandom, however un-vital it may be, is “a through line in my dad’s life.” He continues:
“We tend to downplay these sorts of quirks and enthusiasms, but they’re important to who we are. When Leopold Bloom, the protagonist of James Joyce’s ‘Ulysses,' wanders through a Dublin cemetery, he is unimpressed by the generic inscriptions on the gravestones, and thinks they should be more specific. ‘So and So, wheelwright,’ Bloom imagines, or, on a stone engraved with a saucepan, ‘I cooked good Irish stew.’
“Asked to describe ourselves, we might tend to talk in general terms, finding the details of our lives somehow embarrassing. But a friend delivering a eulogy would do well to note that we played guitar, collected antique telephones, and loved Agatha Christie and the Mets. Each assemblage of details is like a fingerprint. Some of us have had the same prints throughout our lives; others have had a few sets.”
Maybe this jumped out at me because I’ve been thinking about friendship and connection a lot lately. And that bit about the hypothetical “friend delivering a eulogy” made me consider how much the practice of attending to others’ “quirks and enthusiasms” is kind of what friendship is about.
Pay attention to those seeming “unimportant and trivial” details (the “fingerprints”) of the people you care about. And find a way to let them know you’re paying attention — to use what you’ve noticed as a way to connect.
While you’re at it, you might reflect on your own quirks and enthusiasms. As Rothman suggests, we often downplay such things in considering “who we are,” but they can be important and revealing through lines, as he puts it.
Not to be macabre, but channel Joyce’s Bloom wandering that cemetary, and imagine what specific fact could serve as your distinctly non-”generic” epitaph. List 10 potential answers. Be specific. Get your friends (or perhaps classmates or colleagues) to do the same. Compare notes; see what you learn about the details of life that matter to them — and to you.
Noticing is about other people, too. The Icebreaker series aims to help with that. There’s a central collection spot for all the icebreakers to date, here.
Today’s icebreaker comes from reader Estelle Metayer:
Describe your first car, and what it meant for you.
My first car was a Pontiac T1000, which I promptly totalled. But that car had other, happier associations, too! First cars are special objects, no doubt. People always have stories about them. So thanks for this great contribution, Estelle!
As usual, I’m still working through the disorganized backlog of icebreaker submissions. But as always, I want more.
—> ATTENTION NEW READERS:
Please send your favorite icebreaker (whether you made it up or found it elsewhere) to consumed@robwalker.net
COMING UP
In forthcoming Thursday paid-subscriber-only editions: Continuing to explore the theme “other people,” I’m working on a post about fandom.
In recent subscriber-only issues I wrote about friendwork, mindwondering, and attention as activism.
For access to past and future subscriber-only posts, discussion threads, and more, support TAoN with a paid subscription.
THE NEXT FREE MONDAY EDITION IN TWO WEEKS!
IN OTHER NEWS
For Fast Company, I wrote about the impact of those amazing AI image-making programs on marketing, brands, and IP. Those programs absolutely fascinate me! I also wrote about why Wikipedia wants a “sound logo,” and whether an old beer ad could help reduce partisan animosity.
The Lost Objects NYC event last week was a true delight! My thanks to those who made the scene! —> If you buy the book directly from the publisher, TAoN readers can get a 20% discount off the retail price, through 12/25, by using the code LOSTOBJECTS. Here.
On Being is coming back, starting with a mini series on “foundations” of the program and its worldview, each connected to a suggested prompt. It’s a rather TAoN-ish approach, if I may say so. The first one: “Set out to become alert and somewhat reverent of what is good and life-giving in the ordinary encounters of your days.” Promising.
Geena Davis on politeness. Surprisingly interesting.
“There should be a word like ‘landmarks,’ but for time,” says The Whippet. A great idea.
Mason Currey’s Subtle Maneuvers has a great series in progress on creative blocks — “blocktober”! Recommended.
This Week In Sound, a newsletter I really enjoy and that I’ve cited here in the past, has moved to Substack. Uni Watch, another favorite, has also begun using Substack.
Glamour cats. Delightful. Via.
OKAY THAT’S IT!
As always, I value your feedback (suggestions, critiques, positive reinforcement, constructive insults, etc.), as well as your tips or stories or personal noticing rituals, things we need a word for, and of course your icebreakers: consumed@robwalker.net. Or use the comments. —> Or just click the heart symbol. That always makes my day.
And thanks for reading …
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All this by Rob Walker PO Box 171, 748 Mehle St., Arabi LA 70032
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A quirk about me. I like the toilet paper to roll over rather than under on the holder. I often change this in friends’ houses and even in restaurants! Why does it matter? I don’t know!
In a world of first impressions, quirks and oddities are something that people's memories use as an anchor, correct or not. You'll remember the kid who peed her pants in elementary school, the kid who got caught picking his nose, or the sullen kid of indeterminate gender who affected a Goth look. Or, in kinder ways, you'll remember the colleague who likes black licorice, who loves to sing Sledgehammer at Karaoke, or who always wears their Yankees ball cap when among friends.
As Wilde once wrote, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.